Tag Archives: death

Shades of Amber

I’m hoping that she lives now in the green pasture
That’s nestled into the curve of the forest
Outside of the dappled dewy shade
And hued moistness
The blue sky running like water above
And the lazy trickling creek running it’s course below
All the red clay gone
Cut through to shale and rock
By the water that cares nothing but to run
I hope that she has a place here
A place in the meadow in the Sun
A place to be warm
After all the cold she had in life

The drought

It was like waiting for the rain to come

Waiting for the drops to strike the parched dust and feed the earth

Hoping into blue skies and cotton clouds

That something would form

Would come

Given by grace or God

And it was that God awful wait

Not knowing from day to day

If she would live or die

It was as bad as the wait at a death bed

Waiting into the dawn for the dying gasps

And then one day it came

The skies opened

She told him that she wanted to decorate for Christmas

No tree or gifts and not even the inside of the house

But he knew

As soon as she said it

The wait was over

The rain had come

The water would run in the fields

She would live

Help a patriot family out in their time of need

From Wirecutter:

“Angel just let me know Joshua Rowe III passed away unexpectedly on the 2nd of December. Strong Patriot, great family man, just one of those really good guys – we’ve exchanged many many emails over the past few years so I can say that I honestly knew his heart.
His family has set up a gofundme page to help raise money for his funeral expenses. Their goal is $3000 – it’s not much but it’s money that sorely needed right now. If you could find it in your heart to help out I know that family will appreciate it very much.
It’s hard to lose somebody, especially this time of the year.


Wirecutters site is here:http://knuckledraggin.com/

If you can help them out, please do

I have given as I have been given in kind

My condolences and best wishes to the family

The deep end


I should have stayed in the shallow end of the pool
Getting nothing wet but my feet and legs
Risking nothing more than a chill
But I’m drowning
Choking on all of the right choices I’ve made
I’m drowning on all my loyalty and love
My lungs are filling and I die
I die
The air that I try to breathe
It’s not air
And my lungs fill while I panic
Clamping,biting and heaving
And I’m in the deep end of the pool
Feet trying to find the bottom
Drowning on people dying and hurting
Drowning in all the pain that they are not willing to face
And I’m under the water with no way out
And I don’t know what’s worse
To die and stifle and suffocate
Or to wade in the shallow end of the pool
And not care and just watch
While everyone else
Slowly goes under

The kindness of strangers

The kindness of strangers
Has kept me going
Amidst death and pain
So much kindness has been sent my way
My heart though broken and rent
Is touched by so many
So far away
So many I don’t even know their name
But I do know their kindness of thought
And deed
Thank you
For without all of you
My heart would bleed
Until I died



Lies in the hospital room II

It was fucking terrible
Probably the worst thing I’ve had to do in my life
I couldn’t look at her
The life drained from her young face
Killed by life
By child molesters
By her whore of a mother
She looked at me and smiled
Asked me if I would come back and see her when she was better
But I knew that there was no better
There was no later
I had to leave the room
And let hot tears pour onto the cold and sterile tile
Before I could answer
I lied
I lied
I smiled and kissed her goodbye
Knowing that it would be final
And said goodbye

Yeah, I know I am a downer. This whole deal has just brought back my niece Amber to me from 2014

It’s been a hard couple of years

But hey, A reader actually requested some poetic writing.

It’s therapy, so screw you



If you have not seen the post previous to this, Please go to it.



I won’t hold her

I won’t hold her

I won’t bind her to this earth

Not after losing the second one

Not after losing her baby

I won’t force her to stay

Not by promise or time

Or love or sacred vow

There is only so much

A human heart can take

Before it bleeds and breaks

When this one goes

I think that I I will have say goodbye

To all that I love

I won’t hold her



A curse


Layla M. Conley

Let your children grow cold
Cold and hard as stone
Let your hot tears never fall on their skin
Let them go to the ground
Alone and without you
May your sorrow and grief
Never see them again
Never give the last goodbyes
May you be given as you have given
Not a measure more
Nor a measure less
May grief and misfortune
Follow you for what you have done
For you have forsaken a mothers love
And denied her
Her dead son

There is nothing more despicable than to deny a mother her goodbye to her only son. A funeral held in secret with the only intent being harm while she weeps into a baby blanket. Sometimes I can’t believe the depths of depravity that people will go to to be vindictive.

Lies in the hospital room

My words became roses
And made bouquets
To brighten her room
Beautiful red roses
Without any wilted petals
Of sorrow or fear
I left them laying
Strewn carelessly
About her bed
And left the crying
For the cold hallways

Broken heart

She melds into the the soft sheets
Her milky white skin
Hot and smooth
Beneath my rough palm
A touch goodbye
That lingers like a kiss
Her words come back to me
As my caress glides over her
I taste her lips
And hot salty tears
And feel her fall into me
As she tells me the news
She is still so young and beautiful
And vibrant
That I almost can’t believe it
But I have to
I can see it in her eyes
Her beautiful brown eyes
Say it all
And I just wish it was a lie
A filthy lie
Told only to hurt me
To tear the world out
from beneath my feet
To stab my heart
Until it bleeds
And cut me open
Like a knife
But it’s not
For all my wishing
It’s true
And now I touch her
On my way out the door
As she sleeps in soft comfort
So warm and peaceful and beautiful
And I don’t want to leave


I always wondered where her love went
It was like it was bled from her
A slit vein that ran dry
I was the only one that she gave it to
And I was young and greedy
And I think that I took it all
Used it up
A hungry pup nursing at the teat
And there was none left over for anyone else
She became withered and dry
And by the time her own children came
That love had been replaced by hate
Maybe it had just been killed
And that hate was like the darkness
That is already in a room
Just waiting for the light to be turned off
And then it takes over everything
It didn’t help
That it had been infused with heroin along the way
Shot sweating late at night in a seedy room
Or in the parking lot behind the strip club
But something had turned that love to hate
Solidified it in her veins
Until she was nothing
No voice
No heartbeat
She became a statue
Just hard stone
And the sad part is that she had four babies
Who tried to nurse from her cold stone tit
And tried to get some of the love that I had
But it was long used up and gone
And they had to try and survive and live
With nothing to feed on but that cold hate
And they all survived for the most part
Except for Amber
Poor Amber
In the end, I think the hate finally got her

This dying

I saw her again, there at the hospital
Her hair had begun to silver in early autumn
She was no longer the child
That I had tried to protect, but a grown woman
She was now a matriarch
And she had developed steel in her soul
The years of neglect had been a fire
That forged her an inner strength
Burned the Iron until it became hardened
Even better than it would have been
We talked in the hushed waiting room
All echoes of happiness muffled by the sadness
That clung to the walls like padding
We walked the sterile halls
Scrubbed clean of tears and smiled sad smiles at each other
It was her first death as the matriarch
And she was in charge of this thing, this dying
She was the one who had the strength
To keep everyone else together
Keep them functioning, even if robotic
They did whatever task she gave them
Feeling as if they had accomplished something
And forgetting for a moment
I was proud when I saw her, even through the sadness
Although it was no work of mine
I felt that I had let her down
As I couldn’t protect her from the unspeakable things
That visited her daily and worse, nightly
She had been so young and vulnerable, but no more
She was strong and stable,
The rock that the rest of the family could anchor to
As they were buffeted in a hopeless ocean
Yes, she was now the matriarch and she was in charge of this thing,
This dying

The sorrowful pen

My words bleed onto paper

In spreading pools of sorrow

They gush darkly

Onto the page

Pumping out until

Their life is drained

Then fall in pallor

To the floor

The stain they leave behind

Is there for all to read

A record written out

With a sorrowful pen

A final update on Amber

Amber was a special soul who was injured very early on in life. On Saturday afternoon she found her final peace and rest. She was resting comfortably in her home with her family. She will be missed by all who knew her.   A heartfelt thanks goes out to all of those who helped her and her family in this time of need.

An update on Amber and more

I learned many years ago to never say that things will never get worse, because they most certainly will just to prove a point. In our family when things take a dive it is everything at once. I have learned over the years to just tuck and cover until the pounding is over. So here’s the story before I put out the update on Amber.    When we got back to Florida from Ft. Worth we soon found that we had an invasion of roof rats. I quickly put out bait and poison traps and commended myself on my prompt action… but maybe a little too soon. Very soon a powerful stench started to brew up in the garage in the laundry area. It quickly became overwhelming and apparent that we had a dead rodent in the building. In addition to my wife’s rat phobia she also has a powerful aversion to dead things fouling her air supply and this being I went to work to find the vermin. I found an area where they had chewed at the concrete block around the hot water overflow pipe. Convinced that I had found the nest I broke out the block with a sledge. No go, but I found some pieces of nesting material. I moved over one block and did it again and found the nest and was sure the rat also. Of course it was not so; the little SOB was nowhere in that column of block. I tried one more smaller hole and the smell was not powerful enough to be the source.   Long story short, after punching 4 holes in my wall I finally figured out that the smell was not from near the hot water heater but in it.The manufacturer was kind enough to punch out a 2″ diameter hole in the bottom of the water heater that was the perfect size for rat entry. In the end I was able to remove the hot water heater and remove the bottom cover and re-install with new insulation.   While I was doing that I was also helping the AC guy out because for the first time since our return we needed heat and guess what? The heat pump was out. Yeah, it’s great stuff but it’s not just me.    My niece Shonnie, who is taking care of Amber, came home with her from the hospital. Upon arrival they found out that the power had been turned off because Amber’s  husband had been at the hospital at her side the whole time. After making a 20 mile trip to town, they got the power back on and that’s when they found out about the broken water pipe in the house. And for Shonnie it just keeps going on and on. She has an old camper parked at Amber’s to sleep in and when bed time came she found that the door had been left open.Some critter had let itself in and eaten her bedding and made the bed uninhabitable. Then there was the tire with the hole in the sidewall.  When I talked to her a couple of hours ago another pipe blew up while I was on the phone with her. Amber’s husband Mike went out to turn the water off and the valve blew up in his face when he tried to turn it.    Now their trailer and Mike’s grandmother’s are without water. Yep, when it rains it pours. I told her to just keep on going and no matter how bad it gets don’t say it can’t get any worse.    And yes somewhere in all this rambling I do have a point. For all the bad crap that is happening the kindness and generosity of all those that have helped us out mean all the more. It’s really the only bright spot shining for the moment and really helps to mitigate the feeling of life just being totally against you. When we stop and take the time to count all the people who have generously given either of their time or money we realize that they far out weigh the comedy of disasters that is currently assaulting us.  A thanks again to all.    And now on to our real concern. Amber is still hanging on and her family is grateful for every hour they get with her. She is at home with her husband and children and although she sleeps most of the time now, she knows where she is.Thankfully she has not been in pain during this ordeal.  Most of her awake time is no longer lucid and she no longer eats or drinks. They are now in for that God awful wait that we all have to have at some time in our lives. My prayers and best wishes go out to them.\

If you would care to donate please go here http://www.gofundme.com/5vz58w

Help for Amber http://www.gofundme.com/5vz58w

Any help passing this link on would be appreciated.  A special thanks to all of those in the iii percent community who have been showing their support.

Created by Shonnie Jarrett on December 23, 2013

Amber is 28 years old with two children. She has a 5 year old son and an 11 year old step-son. She has been in the hospital for the last 3 weeks with liver failure. We were hoping that her liver would repair itself or that she would be able to receive a liver transplant, but neither are possible. Amber has end stage liver cirrhosis which means that her liver is no longer functioning. Her liver failure is causing Ambers other organs to fail also. Her kidneys are only at 10% capacity and declining. The fluid buildup in her stomach has collapsed part of her lungs. Amber’s lungs also have infiltrates which is inflammation and fluid in them. This means that she will have to continue to be on oxygen at all times. Due to her other organs failing, Amber is not a candidate for a liver transplant which is the only thing that would have been able save her life. It is with great regret and sorrow that I must inform you that Amber does not have much time left. Nobody knows for sure how long, it could be days, weeks, or a month, maybe a little more if we are really lucky. All we know for certain is that her organs will continue to fail one by one until we lose her. This is a heartbreaking ordeal for all of us. She is going home for hospice care as this is her wish. Amber wants to spend her remaining time with her family and friends in her home. We appreciate all the love and support!
Many people have expressed that they would like to send cards, flowers, or do something to help, so we have created a website at gofundme.com. We request that instead of sending cards or flowers that everyone please donate the money that would have been used for these items into a fund to help Amber with the things that she needs at this time. Amber does not have insurance, and her husband has not worked since this whole ordeal began because he will not leave her hospital bedside. This has left their family in a financial bind. We appreciate all the caring and concern!

Merry Christmas child

That child of my youth

Lies now in her bed

As she always did

Covers pulled up to keep her warm

But she is thin and frail

As she was as a young girl

The safety of the bed though

Evades her

As it always did

The things underneath

Still haunt her

And have become real

Those shadowed horrors from below

Have come to claim her

Tubes are snaked like vines

Around her

Invading her

Covering her like an ancient ruin

Finding every crevice to crawl into

A young woman

Now old

The road maps on her skin

Traced not by time and experience

But by tragedy and chance,

Cruel blows that glanced

From her guarding arms

She will never know laugh lines

Burned into her skin by a million smiles

Those smiles will never come

They will only be bitter sweet ones

smiled by us

As we talk about old times

Laughing into the night

With worn grins

And Tired eyes

And the lines will be etched

Into our faces instead

What we measure in decades

She measures out in minutes

Hours are years

And days stretch into decades

Every moment is now measured into a cup

Metered and parceled

On a glowing monitor

The poor girl who never had a chance

Still doesn’t

And never will

It is such a shame

She is such as a sweet girl

And she has such soft hands

Free range Chickens

I often thought about you

And your free range chickens

Being happy on the land

Living life free

Both pecking and scraping

Getting life from the dust

But I didn’t know

That it could never be enough

Tho’ scratch might make some happy

I found out too late

That it wouldn’t do for you

But if I could

Believe me true

I’d bring you chickens

Instead of flowers

To brighten up your room

A prayer for the dying

When the wind sighs

and fills your sail

and pulls your restless

soul afloat

To journey ‘cross

The sea of night

In dwindling life

And muttered hope

One final prayer

Slips your mouth

Unknown, unsaid

You breathe it out

One prayer for your journey

The prayer for the dead

Your final breath

And all is said

Let my blood bleed

Slowly circling chains

forged with deceit,

hammered out with contempt

are fitted for us.

Freedom bleeds upon

the ground of history

The lifeblood of our nation

darkly pools

As we lay dying

Our choice will be

the chain or the sword

Let my blood bleed

As I will die free