I’m a bad patient

I was at the doctor yesterday and he would say something and I kept adding on to what was supposed to be my already complete medical history

“Do you ever have chest Pains ? ”

I make a funny face “It’s hard to say”

He looks at me a little perplexed

“You know I have myofascial pain disorder , what used to be trigger point syndrome, along with intercostal neuralgia,  So I always have chest pain. But I don’t think that’s what you mean”

“When did that start?”

“After I broke my neck”

“You broke your neck? When?”


He is poking around my back and hits a spot

It’s obviously tender

“That hurts?”

“Yeah have a break at T10 too”


“No, that was a different time

He moves me around a little

“Can you sit up straight for me?”

“Uh, not really I have lumbar scoliosis”

“Lumbar? That’s a kind of rare area”

“Yeah, that’s because I’m all crooked because my pelvis was busted in 3 places”

He makes me lie down and starts feeling pulses in my thigh

He doesn’t catch one at first in my left

“Does this leg or foot ever go numb?”

“No, even though that’s the hip that was broken it is usually the other one that goes numb”

“That was broken?”


“Well why would the other one go numb?”

“Oh that’s the one I dislocated. Every now and then it tries jump out on me and after it hurts like hell it gets all numb and tingly”

“Anything else down here? (He is starting to catch on)

Yes, I have two inguinal hernias”

“Two, how do you know that?”

“I had a CAT scan”

So now he starts doing the regular hernia check

I am flinching after coughing

“That’s pretty tender huh?”

“Yeah but I can’t be sure why. My bladder was detached from my pelvis and healed back into place”

“Is there anything else that you forgot to tell me? I mean I have your two knees surgeries on file?

“Well I did get hit by lightning in 94”

“Lightning? What do you mean?” (I am serious about that response)

“You know, POW, comes out of the sky. Left the house and never made it to the car.

They told me they could never tell what the long term ramifications would be health wise.”

“And that’s it? Anything else that may have effected your General health?

“Well, I did tak an intra venous hit from a 6 ft. diamond back that damn near melted all my organs”

“Did they give you anti venin?”

“Yeah, 25 vials, I was paralyzed in 12 minutes since she shot me in a vein”

“They gave you all of that?”

“Yeah, I used Florida’s up. They had to fly the rest in from Georgia”

Now he is shaking his head

I can tell that he is half assed amused and irritated at the same time

Then he finds out I had two ER trips this year

One for the amputated finger tip and one for the leg that got hit by the 16′ 2 X 6

Then he asks me “Weren’t you going to tell me any of this?”

Now he seemed like he was definitely leaning more toward irritated

I kind of shrugged like ” No big deal”

The guy is a G.I. doctor

What the hell does he need to know any of that for?

Next time they ask me I going to send them here to this page

I know , I am a dick and a bad patient






7 responses to “I’m a bad patient

  1. Good gosh a’mighty if you aren’t a specimen from a road well traveled!
    You will probably fit into his very small group of patients that he goes home and tells his spouse about tonight.
    I hope the ailment, whatever it is you have clears soon!

  2. Not even a teeny weenie dose of the clap???

  3. Good Lord man.
    I was once told by a doctor that I was a basket case because of all of the shit I have had happen to me but I couldn’t hold a candle to you, even with my lower back fusion.
    The fact that you can still get up and walk around is about a miracle in the first place!

    It seems I do have one on you , I did have to go get rabies shots once.

    • Hell yeah Phil. Rabies shots are arguing rights. LOL. Thank God I have a high pain thresh hold. If I felt all of this crap all the time I would self destruct.

  4. Great display of medical jargon with humor. My DX? Roadkill.J.C.

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